All is well

March 16, 2017 at 3:59 pm (Uncategorized)

My life has slowly embarked on a journey of extreme self-doubt and general complications to get things done. I find it difficult to get through the day without being awfully upset over at least one or two people that cannot, and frankly would not, be controlled, as well as many other little things. I have allowed this self-deprecating form of a loathing attitude take over every decision, every action, every thought and basically every breathing moment.

Somewhere between growing up, graduating, and getting married, I lost connection with my inner soul. I forgot to bring the little girl with me on a journey so clichéd.  The girl that wanted to change the world, reach the stars and conquer the unknown. She made big plans and even bigger realities, all in her head. I forgot to connect and in tune my inner reality with the outer reality.

Not realizing that the reason life creeped up on me was because I let it. I let negativity take over my naiveté. I let too much caution cloud my judgment. I let disappointment settle in and somewhere, lost connection with my spirit. All for what? There is not enough time to meet friends as much or plan out activities like before. I have been under a giant rock with unhealthy amount of job search and wrapping up the clinical research program.

I lost touch with things that made me happy, for example, helping others, being the light for people in need, bringing out the positive in others, always looking at the positives and never allowing negativity come close. And most importantly smiling for no reason.

I feel I went through so much that I should be awarded, just to be able to make it this far. Not for a moment I let myself peek on the other side of the coin, where I should be thankful for whatever little I have and however much I am able to do. I want to carve a beautiful and real quote in my brain: Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream.

So what if it’s difficult? so what if it’s hard? It’s a path less traveled. What’s meant to be is meant to be and being depressed about it won’t change anything. “When you want something with true heart, the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it”, so let’s be motivated because now is the time I need my very own psychologist. And who better than myself? If I cannot change my own though process then what good am I?

Let’s overlook the negativity and surround us with positive thoughts. Embrace the beauty in things and wait till the heavens smile down on you.

All is well !

 

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Weak

November 5, 2009 at 6:02 pm (My days)

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I wonder why I feel so sad. Nothing big happened, nothing happened at all actually. I don’t’ know what it is that is bothering me from so long that I can’t seem to focus on anything that I am trying to do. I feel like the whole world is laughing at me with their finders pointed in my face for the irrelevance of my existence. What could have possibly hurt me so hard and so deep that I didn’t even realize. This is ridiculous, I don’t rely on anybody for anything yet when somebody says something it pulls out a part of me that I had forgotten existed. It cuts me deep. Real deep.

Writing it out isn’t helping either; I don’t know what to do to calm my inner storm. Its hard to get over things when you experience them after so long. Maybe I know the reason and I’m not willing to accept it. Perhaps this is the way of knowing oneself as they stress in the books “know what you want/know who you are”

I feel betrayed, left alone, threatened, empty and most of all, weak!

Anyways, back to my assignment! And sorry to post so late…

Love

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Day 33 – Destiny

August 20, 2009 at 9:55 pm (My days)

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Ever since the first human being was created to perhaps the last, they are all interested in knowing about themselves and whether they can change what is written for them with their determination. This is why some wear stones, some rely on astrology, some rely on witchcraft and some just don’t care. I am referring to the idea of fate, the concept of destiny.

“We can’t change our destiny” is a phrase passed down from our ancestors as the ultimate truth, a tradition, a way to seek spirituality, and a path to paradise on earth. I realized this statement leads to more physical, mental and emotional distortion than anything. And without any conscious urge to solve the mystery behind it, people oppose it and make it a point that everything against it has been done in their lifetime. This way: they win the chase and leave their destiny behind.

GROW UP! This isn’t a Hollywood movie with the killing untrue effects.

I don’t believe we can change our destiny, as in rewrite it, but I certainly believe that we can modify it with our determination and faith. Each individual is given a situation and two choices to it or more; whichever one he/she chooses forms another link to the chain. But all the solutions provided including the one that is chosen has already been written, is what I mean. It isn’t a surprise to the Creator if one chooses the 4th choice out of the 6 provided or 5th. The allowance to choose and the ability to choose is a responsibility resting on each person’s shoulders.

Destiny is out of one’s control. Fate is the outcome of ones hard work/worship. One can change their fate by doing a lot of things, i.e. dress accordingly for a job interview or a marriage proposal, polish skills that require more time to succeed, keep trying with more determination and keeping in mind the old mistakes to achieve a task etc. This is why they say “harkat main barkat” and “you have to reach forward to feed yourself as the food does not have wings”

A very common and famous example is when a person is diagnosed with cancer or any life threatening disease (destiny) and he/she prays with all their heart for a better health or a miracle (modify with determination or faith) and is granted better health (changes fate but modifies what was already written in destiny).

I hope I help clear some misinterpretations or confuse you to the point you want to break the screen. But the truth remains the same: I can change my fate but I can only modify my destiny.

Time to leave. CHAO

L o v e

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Day 32 – Identity

August 18, 2009 at 1:57 am (My days)

Sorry. It was the longest break ever. I did not know what to talk about, as I have not been socially active in the past few months so I did not really have radical or gripping issues to discuss. And thus, I decided to take sometime off and not make a fool of myself by writing without a clear thought in my mind and something I cant identify with.

At the same time, I wonder why it is important to identify with any piece of work, custom or anything that can be considered identifiable. Are we that insecure of losing our identity? Breaking it down into caste, nation, and religion is the first step in knowing whom you are, why you exist, and whom you can’t be. It’s like trapping yourself in a box and passing judgments SLASH ranking other boxes. And never willing to accept the unrealistic impositions that you have imposed on yourself just for the hell of it, labelled as identity. I.e. a person identified as a beggar, a thief, at a higher level, saint, you name it!

WHY?

What is identity? And why is it important to carry this burden of refining it for a lifetime? Do you know how much work and patience is required for it? Do you think it is possible to exist without knowing where you belong and why? Do you think you can carry yourself without worrying about fitting-in in your social circle and yet remain different, unique in your own way?

When I meet my old friends, they say I haven’t changed. It surprises me how people unconsciously expect a drastic and extremely painstakingly prominent change in somebody else’s life when they know identity is not only unchangeable but after a certain stage, on can only add on it. But the funny part is when I ask them what they changed about themselves or how their identity evolved, they are often left thinking too hard and saying ‘I am styll the same and I haven’t changed a bit’ – yeah riight?!

Suppose I take away your identity and put you out there to experience the world at its fullest. What would be your first reaction? What if you are sent on a lifelong exile and deprived off every right? You are no longer a Pakistani, Indian, Canadian, American, African, Britisher etc??

“What if I take away your identity?”

Think about it. gnite

L o v e

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Day 31

July 30, 2009 at 7:52 pm (My days)

Recently, mamma’s friend brought her little grandson to our place. I had only seen him once before as I was always busy with studies and numerous assignments coincidently due the very next day of her visit, so I never had a chance to even look at him for more than a couple of seconds. I would beg leave and get to work. But now, I had all the time in the world to play with the kid and observe his hilarious attempts of being wise.

His name is Braiden (however its spelled) and he’s a year and a half. There’s something unique about him: he’s tremendously chubby. It would give me a lifetime backache if I ever tried to lift him. I actually scared him upon his bare feet entrance to our place, somehow – I am still unable to understand what it is in my appearance that could have caused harm to his senses =\ – anyway, gulping down the bitterness in his eyes I smiled at him to assure him that I won’t suck blood out his neck so calm down. He smiled back at me and walked towards me, relaxing the mood caused by his sudden scream.

He showed me his toys that he had brought with him but he threw everything away and chose to play with my soccer ball. I didn’t know the intensity of his throwing skills until he threw the ball, aiming right at my head. He was furious with me since I didn’t pay attention when he said “saaaaa chhh” (I am guessing it meant my name and catch). He said it twice but I was too busy watching the movie so he decided to beat it. What a way to grab my attention kid!

I realized the sweetest thing about little children is that they don’t need to know you are to be able to play with you. All they care about is: warmth (second to there own mood). They won’t question you or bother you with endless description of milk products, cookies, anatomy of chicken or anything mother earth produces. They accept you as you are; by all means children are great inspiration.

We both played for an hour or two and he left our house happily. Yawning and running after his grandma, he fell twice and dropped his toys uncountable times. I waved at him and sighed. I want to see him again soon.
Children are not as bad as I thought.

Time to go. CHAO

L o v e

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Day 30

July 24, 2009 at 3:25 pm (My days)

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I have been thinking of changing my writing style for so long that it seems like I won’t implement it anytime soon. So many things on my mind nowadays that it requires hours for me to make those lavish changes on the ever so limited wordpress. Besides this, I have to download new music, since honestly I know all the songs by heart that I been listening to for the past whole year.

And apart from worrying about all this, I have yet another topic to write about. It is a pretty common and most discussed global issue, or at least in our side of the world. Bigger than 40th anniversary of landing on the moon. It is the declaration of starting a happy life with our better half, the laduu of marriage. Ever since a daughter is born in a family, they fill her head up with fantasies of a prince charming that will come to rescue her from the cruel world of dish washing or dusting (most, not all). If parents avoid these stories, Disney helps drill it in. I don’t remember reading or watching sleeping beauty, beauty and the beast, Pocahontas etc as a child. Though I do remember reading Casper and wuthering heights, as a child! But the girls who do read these … my heart goes out to all of you because reality my dear is more important than focusing the camera on two characters only. This also goes for the guys, they are “meant” to be strong to be able to rescue their true love.

Personally, I never had time to spend on reading until grade 5. I was the most annoyingly active child, a definite winner in all sports (even if I didn’t know how to play the game.. ahem you know how 😉 ). And when I started reading, I chose the most hard to understand authors, as a kid I didn’t get half of what they said but it was more important to carry a book with me than to understand it. I read books that had captions “don’t read when alone, and if you do keep repeating to yourself ‘its only a book.” Now, what is one to fantasize while reading these books!!

Anyway. Now that I think I can have a say that has got to make sense about marriage, I am writing it down here. To me marriage is not for people who “think”, period. No, seriously the more you think about what qualities you need, what satisfies you, what you adore, what you can tolerate, and which qualities are a big no no, buddy you’re done. You’re done way before you started. One has to be blank headed to make it a success. Once you are not aware of what is okay and what is not, you tend to teach each other and learn off each other making it a more tolerable and long lasting relation. To all the people who think they need to “understand’ the person before they take a step further, it is a good form of worry but the fact is you can’t ever know how the person is until you put them in different situation. And by that I don’t mean get your friend to test how truthful he/she is. Life is a lot more than a few friends and their tricks, situations are so challenging that even our imagination does not possess the capability to picture it. Your better half is not obliged to know the anatomy of chicken/computer/makeup if he/she don’t want to, because they don’t have to!

Once you know a person too well, you judge them. And judgment often takes you down a hill you never expect.

Its up to you how you take it, as a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare .. So take it easy and CHILL!

Astalavistaa

L o v e

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Sardar jeee

July 23, 2009 at 11:42 pm (Things That Make Me Smile)

A Sardar and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun-game.
The Sardar, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa.”
Again, the Sardar declines and tries to get some sleep.
The American, now worked up, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $500.”
This gets the sardar’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this! torment, agrees to the game.
The American asks the first question, “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The Sardar doesn’t say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the American.
“Okay,” says the American, “Your turn.”
So the Sardar asks, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The American thinks about it. No answer. Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer!
He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer.
Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers.
Checks the input. All to no avail!
Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Sardar and hands him $500.
The Sardar thanks him and turns back to get his sleep.
The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardar and asks,
“Well,
what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the Sardar reaches into his purse, hands the American $5, and
goes back to sleep!

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Strength

July 23, 2009 at 11:27 pm (Things That Make Me Smile)

A 10-year-old boy decided to study judo despite the
fact that he had lost his left arm in a devastating
car accident.

The boy began lessons with an old
Japanese judo master. The boy was doing well, so he
couldn’t understand why, after three months of
training the master had taught him only one move.

“Sensei,”(Teacher in Japanese) the boy finally said,
“Shouldn’t I be learning more moves?””This is the only
move you know, but this is the only move you’ll ever
need to know,” the sensei replied.

Not quite understanding, but believing in his teacher, the boy
kept training. Several months later, the sensei took
the boy to his first tournament.

Surprising himself, the boy easily won his first two
matches. The third match proved to be more difficult,

but after some time, his opponent became impatient and
charged; the boy deftly used his one move to win the
match. Still amazed by his success, the boy was now in
the finals.

This time, his opponent was bigger,
stronger, and more experienced. For a while, the boy
appeared to be overmatched. Concerned that the boy
might get hurt, the referee called a time-out.

He was about to stop the match when the sensei intervened.

“No,” the sensei insisted, “Let him continue.” Soon
after the match resumed, his opponent made a critical
mistake: he dropped his guard. Instantly, the boy used his move to
pin him. The boy had won the match and the
tournament.

He was the champion. On the way home, the boy and
sensei reviewed every move in each and every
match.

Then the boy summoned the courage to ask what
was really on his mind.

“Sensei, how did I win the tournament with only one
move?”

“You won for two reasons,” the sensei answered.”First,
you’ve almost mastered one of the most difficult
throws in all of judo. And second, the only known
defense for that move is for your opponent to grab
your left arm.”

The boy’s biggest weakness had become his biggest
strength.

Sometimes we feel that we have certain weaknesses and
we blame God, the circumstances or ourselves for it
but we never know that our weaknesses can become our
strengths one day.

Each of us is special and important, so never think
you have any weakness, never think of pride or pain,
just live your life to its fullest and extract the
best out of it!”

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Day 29

July 23, 2009 at 11:13 pm (My days)

It’s been long. Yes I admit I took the most time off doing other things rather then continuing writing my blog. But honestly, all these days I have been going through different phases of anguish. A mental state that is hard to explain. I wonder if God is really cruel? Or the trail He puts us through? Our mothers, on this very earth, seem way less cruel and punishing when they put us through anything, comparatively. Or at least it seems like it.

Perhaps this is the process of learning, accepting and moving on.

Anyway.

It’s a beautiful rainy day today and I managed to take some pictures from my balcony of the cloudy city. Though it was truly not the best photo shoot but I still managed to get some … Here goes:

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I was watching the meeting of Amir Khan and Clinton with some people regarding better education. He mentioned something I have been telling everyone for so long. He said: we focus more on competition – who got what grade or whose better than the other – whereas it should be more about helping your friend and ending the race of “I am better”. These are my words that are, yet again, put out there by somebody who thinks like me (really what makes us all different?)

I have been a competition freak myself but never academically. I was more rebellious and intolerant when given a challenge at work, games, debates, anything but I kept my steady speed in studies. I never thought it was important to score a 99.9 if I scored a 99 in last grade/course but my teacher and my principle use to put me through it, with their sky rocketing expectations. Whereas, my family was more concerned about me beating my brother’s record of highest mark (which I did many times). It was all too fast paced and seemed fake: why am I out beating all the other people? Unwilling to support their weaknesses? And most importantly, misleading myself in believing that there aint nothing on the face of mother earth that I cant do.. mehh ask me now, I got a list here 😉

Its important to remain grounded, down to earth and warm hearted. Otherwise, your in for alota trouble, failures and “why me”.

Time for me to go. Gnite

L o v e

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Day 28

July 19, 2009 at 10:37 pm (My days)

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Beauty. It’s amazing how everyone wants to look extraordinarily beautiful, far from comparison with other fellow beings. It has become more like a competition that takes place in every house, on every street. Society has set basic criteria for every individual to be ranked on, regardless of any other factor that might be of great use or at least appreciatable. Lets look at the criterion:

1) Good Looks
2) Respectable family and good looks
3) Good ethics, good knowledge and good looks
4) Good manners, well behaved and good looks

For many marriages, beauty plays a pivotal role. It sidelines many other factors that can or may cause disturbance between the couple or the families. Its all about getting your hands on the prettiest creature possible without noticing the needs, requirement and demands from the other side. People often talk about the inner beauty that shall be valued more but when it comes to applying this rule in their own personal decisions, everything seems to go wrong. And the funny part is, when people get their hands on the prettiest spouse possible, they don’t value them.

People have such craze for beauty that they are willing to go beyond the limits of sanity. From natural homemade beauty products to fairness creams, tummy tuck to botox, liposuction to surgeries that are life threatening and if done wrong can’t be reversed [i.e, Shabana Azmi’s one eyebrow that stays up high was due to a cosmetic procedure that can’t be reversed; ash and shilpa’s nose job]. Is this insecurity? Or a race to look so beautiful it would hurt to look at you?

There definitely are a lot of pros for being beautiful but what people don’t care about are the taunting behaviour of others that come in the form of hatred and jealousy. I could never understand why the prettiest people felt lonely in huge crowds and more at home with few honest friends.

They say: excess of anything is bad and as I am growing up, I feel it’s actually true. Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder, every person experiences it differently. Some rank it on looks and physical appearance, whereas some worry about the inner self. We all can never think the same !

Time for me to leave. Gnite

Love

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